This is pretty fucked, in that I have nothing to say. I got ill again as I said. My son yesterday running around with his young cock, excited. I am of course jealous of him. I smell of cigarettes and sickness and secrets. When I put my beard on I think how pretty I am without the beard. I have a natural beard but doesn’t compare with the one I put on. My relationship with love is fucked, big time, son. The more I like me the more I want to smoke the more I dislike me the more I want to smoke the more ill I get. I love this network that is being created. I touched the ass of the rubber dolls and their tits and it reminded me of caressing the body of an actual live woman. My son has never touched that and I wonder whether he can see my real perversity. Fucking hell, whether my ‘real perversity’ is that of my homosexuality. I am really coming out into the world now. Can you tell how much I enjoy holding tits? As I stick my rubber cock into the rubber pussy slit my fingers go into the doll’s asshole. That is natural, that is what you do with a body. I lie down and I put the doll on top of me and it is almost like having another body touching me, it is nice. It hasn’t been that long since I last had sex, what, three months or so, but it feels longer. Fucking the rubber or stimulating fucking it I don’t get quite turned on. I want my son to see how it is like to fuck a woman and don’t give a shit about the world. I want to teach him how it is like to be a man or a woman fucking another woman. I now have accepted the face I pull when I fuck and I use it for the pictures. It has been years of lovers telling me that they like how I semi close my eyes and my tongue sticks out a little and I used to be embarrassed about how my pleasure shows off and now I know for some reason people find this hot and I can pull this face as my masculine face or something.
The immediate publication of things freaks me out, the fact that we are constantly watched somehow even by eachother. I don’t know from which space I function, if I am being ‘honest’ with myself etc or whether I am just trying to appear interesting. I want to fast forward to performing muscles on stages watched by dykes who will then come on my feet to beg for sex. I am not sure how to stay focused on the subject of masculinity. This is a unique opportunity to be a man. What man? What woman? My voice scares the shit out of me as it goes so husky when lower as if I have smoked for longer than how I have been alive. I can’t do an American accent, that sucks. I can only semi do a greek accent which again is all about limitations. I am limited by my biology or history and my capacities and the choices I have done in the past to choose which abilities to develop and also how much would I fancy to parody greekness? Not that much.
Anyway, I sit around being demanding. Why don’t I go out for a beer? Why don’t I go out to fuck some real pussy? My cock is a sock, my cunt is full of hair, I haven’t waxed my tummy so its hair can stick out when I am Volcano and I haven’t worked out in ages. Also if we do get some chicks, where will we fuck them? Front of eachother in the studio? Swap them?
How is it like to fuck in front of your child? And anyway I hardly want to talk to anyone. Even more talk to anyone about the project even more flirt with them. I am still scared of people locking me in their houses or people turning into maniacs on me. People making massive assumptions about me, I really don’t want to explain shit. Fucking my son’s dolls in front of him I feel that something is wrong. But when years and years have passed you can’t stop who you are. He seems like a nice guy, I am sure things will be fine. I don’t really know my son. I love what he did with the porn on the wall. He is artistic. Volcano is the only character I have so far. That and Adam boy. But is it not all about failure, not at all. I want to say though: that face glue although good quality does stink. I never had an issue about not having a ‘real’ cock, but I am having some issues now about not having a real woman to fuck. And get fucked by. As a guy I seriously want my ass fucked, licked and adored. Small openings of vulnerability or something. But this may also be a wrong influenced. When you fuck son, you let everything go.